In an ironic twist of fate, not only is Friday, June 2nd the ever important and widely observed National Donut Day, it’s also my 6 month ketoversary. With a somber nod to one and an enthusiastic thumbs up to the other, let me preface that I started this diet with the intention of sticking to it for 3 months to see if I could do it. Well, I could. And guess what? I loved it.

Based on my experience, here’s what side-effects you can expect should you decide to delve into ketosis:

 

  1. You will begin to look at food specifically for its carb content.
  2. You will spend a lot of time explaining to people what a carb is and what it isn’t. No, butter is not a carb. Butter is a fat. Fat is good.
  3. You’ll prefer to eat at home and the food you make will be dank.com.
  4. Asking to smell other peoples food will become a normal activity for you.
  5. You will miss donuts especially if you work in an office. Never liked ’em? Too bad, you’re gonna miss them.
  6. Quitting sugar is much, much more difficult than quitting smoking.
  7. There is a low-carb substitute for nearly everything and believe it or not, you’ll begin to prefer it. Long live cauliflower rice!
  8. Sugar alcohol will be your best friend and your worst enemy.
  9. The month it takes for your body to become Keto adapt will be miserable and that’s a promise.
  10. Your risk of getting #avocadohand increases dramatically.
  11. Cheat days are fun and worth it when done responsibly. Going hard in the carbs will likely leave you offering the contents of your stomach to the porcelain gods for redemption.
  12. You’ll need gum or mints for social settings because yes, your breath will smell gross. So will your armpits, carry some deodorant. While we’re on the subject, your farts will too… but tbqh, that’s expected and there’s nothing I can do to help you on that one.
  13. If you are an emotional eater, you’ll want to find a new outlet for your anxiety.
  14. Water is a magic potion of the gods. Drink it often and abundantly. You will pee so often, you’ll consider auditioning for the Kentucky Derby. That’s how that works, right?
  15. Your tastebuds will begin to think shitty fruits like cantaloupe and honeydew are the sweetest, most delicious tasting natural gifts to this earth.
  16. You’ll be really annoying when you order food at restaurants or coffee at Starbucks. Every single time. But that’s okay because somebody has got to be. (As someone that used to be a server, this is how I rationalize. Also, don’t tip like an asshole.)
  17. You’ll spend very little time in the aisles of the grocery store. All of the carbs live there.
  18. You’ll shed worse than a German Shepard (and probably acquire the sense of smell of one, too.)
  19. There will be a lot of embarrassing poses for progress pictures on your phone. Consider asking your best friend to delete these in addition to your browsing history should you turn up dead unexpectedly.
  20. It’s a good idea to save $10 for every pound you lose so you can afford new clothes. You’ll be on belt number 2 before you know it.
  21. You’ll identify with Ron Swanson more than you ever thought was possible. You may even start growing a thick mustache and dreaming of running your own government.
  22. You will think of anyone you meet that’s also low carb or keto as family.
  23. You’ll fantasize about opening your own restaurant where the net carbs are listed right on the menu. You’ll even have a name picked out and know that bacon brussels sprouts will absolutely be one of the appetizers.
  24. Your new brand of nightmares will feature you eating breaded foods, candy and desserts.
  25. You’ll feel really good once you’re adapt. Like, really good. You eat when you’re hungry until you’re full. You stay full longer and you won’t crash like you do in Mario Kart.

Clearly, I am not a nutritionist or a doctor, or a cop for that matter, but I’d dare say my experience counts for something.

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